STAFF PROFILES

Below are brief profiles of our highly-valued staff

John - President/Owner

Title: President & Owner
Title Description: John's job involves doing what everyone else is supposed to do, but won't

In Brief: A Mountie in his younger days but in 1968 opted for a more respected
profession! He hasn't yet decided what he wants to do for a full time career!
Rumor has it that John has diesel running through his veins.

Hobbies: John likes trucking and fishing, not necessarily in that order.
His continually being called an oaf, has prompted him to spearhead
the OAF movement (Only A Ford), a group dedicated to ridding the world of all non-Ford vehicles.
Update - Feb 2017: John recently joined the 20th century.
John was finally persuaded to join the rest of the world in teh 20th century by updating
his WindowsXP computer to a more respectable Windows10 pc. Productivity has
increased and John feels like Buck Rogers now.


Patricia (Pat) - Co-Owner

Title: Director & John's Wife (i.e. the REAL Boss)
Title Description: Pat's job as a Director is to direct John.

In Brief: Pat makes all the major purchasing decisions before John can find out.
Known as the brains of the operation, her knowledge of trucking is matched only by her
grasp of technology. As a computer genius, she maintains the computer system also,
with her specific I.T. skills being Digital Imaging, Microsoft Doors, and some hacking.

Hobbies: Like John, Pat loves fishing. Hanging out around the fire pit displays in the
local stores is also a passion. As a trained chef, Pat hates to make special requests
in restaurants. Her bionic shoulder is why she is called "The Human Sewing Machine."
When Pat invites guests over for "a bite to eat," which means a 15-course meal.
Update - Feb 2017: Pat has finally figured it out
Pat has finally figured out how to use her computerised Janome sewing machine.
Unfortunately, that model is no longer supported and she needs to spend another
small fortune on a modern version and another 10 years figuring that one out.


Jesse - Dispatch

Title: Dispatch Wizard
Title Description: Moving huge trucks using only a tiny headset

In Brief: Nobody knows his past! But rumour has it Jesse was a top male-model
in Paris until a bad case of gout ended his catwalk days forever.
Jesse has made himself irreplaceable here in the office since he arrived
because John is unsure of what Jesse actually does here, so is afraid to let him go.
Jesse spends most of his day telling truckers where to go.

Hobbies: Ancient martial art of Kwon-Do (translated: Way of the gout-foot)
for which, training consists of holding your leg in the air for prolonged periods of time
using only a desk to support it.
Secret Shopper
Jesse also participates in the Secret-Shopper programme for McDonald's by purchasing
their products daily and reporting to head-office about the customer experience.
Disclaimer: McDonald's deny any knowledge of Jesse's self-proclaimed role with them.
Update - Feb 2017: Jesse has finally decided to break out in business on his own.
By "on his own" we mean, with John's grandson, from John's office, using John's facilities.
Thankfully he has his own truck...with John's grandson, which he bought from John.
We know he will be a huge success. He should be, since his business is pure profit


Elizabeth - Accounts Guru

Title: Accounts Guru/Manager & Customer Relations
Title Description: This title was assigned to Elizabeth using
an online Random Title Generator. John uses this method quite often when hiring staff.

In Brief: She is amazing because only a true "guru" can be an accounts manager
while posessing absolutely no mathematical ability.
Previously a trainee midwife, a nanny, and McDonald's worker,
Elizabeth was fired from there after an unknown Secret Shopper complained
about her terrible customer-service skills and bad grammar.
Her dream is to work with that guy someday and torment him with the
afore-mentioned bad grammar and constant humming.
Side-note: Elizabeth is married to Tom Cruise's body-double and a Brad Pitt look-alike.

Hobbies: Elizabeth is attempting to enter the Guinness Book of World Records
for "most cell phone usage in a given year." She is very close to her target.
Elizabeth is also learning English. She has a way to go and we have concerns that
her usage of terms like "open the light" means she is making slow progress.
Cooking fish and other creatures with their heads still attached, is another hobby.
Disclaimer: Accusations of her importing Irish immigrants have been exaggerated.
Update - Feb 2017: Elizabeth has recently celebrated her 5th wedding anniversary.
She recently had laser eye surgery and realised her husband looks nothing like Brad Pitt,
but more like Arm Pit. She still celebrated her wedding anniversay, because it meant
a free trip to Vancouver Island.


Jody - Accounts

Title: Accounts & Stroller Acquisitions
Title Description: Customer accounts role plus part-time stroller research/critique.

In Brief: Jody's talents are too numerous to mention but her main areas of expertise
(apart from customer accounts) are texting and baby strollers. She has received a
research grant from the S.A.S. (Stroller Appreciation Society) to fund her research.
She has been heard to remark, on more than one occasion, "Strollers are my life!
Somewhere out there is the ideal stroller, and I WILL find it!"
She is also in training to break the Guinness World Record for text messaging.
This means she will be in competetion with Elizabeth for that coveted title - tensions
may rise. Jody is also an experimental chef. Her passion is combining mushroom soup with everything.
Her Mushroom Soup Ice-Cream, and Mushroom Soup Wine, still need some work but she is determined.
Jody's new blog "Mushroom Soup and Strollers" will be online soon!

Hobbies: Developing mushroom soup recipes, stroller watching.
Sponsorship: Campbell's Mushroom Soup
Jody is sponsored by Campbell's Mushroom Soup.
Side Note: After a strict diet regime, Jody's husband Jesse has sculpted his body into a
work of art. With Jody's support, Jesse has agreed to replace David Beckham as poster boy for H&M.
Disclaimer: Mushroom soup in some frozen-states resembles C4 explosive and can cause serious injury.
Update - Feb 2017: Jody no longer uses Campbell's Soup
Because her neighbours, the Campbell's, finally caught her pilfering their soup.
She's no longer into strollers, but rumor has it her and Jesse will need one soon.
Either a new baby or a streaming media device to replace cable - Jess is indifferent.


Dylan - Rookie Dispatcher & Driver

Title: Truck Driver and Dispatcher (in training)
Title Description: Driving Trucks & Assisting Jesse in...whatever it is that he does
In Brief: Dylan used to drive Volvo's and liked them, which is why
John doesn't consider him as having any experience as a REAL trucker.
Having recently discovered that his room-mate's wife is an awesome hairdresser,
he has vowed to never allow anyone else to cut his hair again. Also, because it's free.
His northern BC way of thinking explains why he now lives in Mission...and actually
likes it.

Dylan also drinks green tea. When offered coffee he states "My body is a temple!"
When interviewing Dylan for the job, Jesse asked "So why do you think you have what it
takes to work for Ulster Transport?" Dylan replied "The boss is my grandad."
To which Jesse promptly replied "You're Hired!"
Since Jesse is training Dylan, he makes Dylan call him Master. Jesse refers to him as "Padawan".
Volvo rules?
Hobbies: Hanging out with grandpa, and cutting his own hair.
Update - Feb 2017: Dylan partners with Jesse.
Dylan no longer drives a truck but disappointed John by changing to a less-manly SUV.
He has also further disappointed John by partnering with Jesse in a hostile takeover
attempt of Ulster Transport....well, more passive but still.. Also he no longer cuts his own hair.


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